Relationships can be magnificent and authentically electrifying connections rooted in healthy love, honesty, good head, and communication. They can also be large pieces of shit that you step into unknowingly and later realize once the stench has become so strong, and has left shit throughout your home. In these cases sometimes you decide to clean the shoe and sometimes you just have to throw it fuck away. I am in no way trying to minimize the emotional and physical partnership to dog shit, but sometimes our relationships are just dog shit. It could be due to the societal pressure and socializations that your worth is directly linked to the partnerships that you hold and maintain. It could be because self-esteem is low and social media sets the parameters of our beauty, and this could also be me projecting. However, I know I am not the only one to have these feelings.
A great component about queer relationships is that they have the ability to be fluid, open and nourished by community, however, because of the same things that make queer relationships beautiful can also make them really difficult when intimate and platonic relationships end. The queer community is small as fuck and add the intersection of race, which in many cases leads the community to be even smaller. With social media and the available queer spaces and events, you are likely to run into an ex or someone who knows your ex or you might be trying to maintain a friendship with your ex because y’all run in the same circle. Or one of the partners may be ostracized by community, leaving them feeling less connected and depressed. All of this can make the healing process difficult. So how do we manage after a break up? How does our mental health look?
There is no monolithic way to grieve a lost relationship. You are relearning how to live your life without a person(s) or getting use to having them in your life, but in a different capacity. It is valid to feel anger, sadness, stress and depression but your relationships are not the sum of who you are. You are still an amazing ass human who will find love again and is deserving of love. Some people feel elated and free and those feelings are valid as well. No matter how you feel after a relationship it is imperative to self-reflect to understand where your feelings are stemming from. To reflect on the red, yellow and green flags and unpack the impact that all parties had on the relationship whether that be good or bad. It is also fine to miss this person no matter how the relationship ended.
Relationships can be overwhelming and you can lose yourself in them because we forget that we are our star player. You should be able to bring your whole self in a relationship. We are all whole beings and relationships are not 50/50 of yourself. You also have the right to let something go when it is not good for you and your partner(s) do not have a say when you are ready to bounce. After a breakup, I often have feelings of guilt because I feel like I am letting someone down. I also get this feeling that nobody will ever care for me or love me again, which is just negative self-talk rooted in my own bullshit. What I am constantly learning is that I am allowed to choose myself, I am allowed to want something different, something more and I owe it to myself to be as happy as I can be without treating people as disposable. Sometimes to get to happiness you have to go through some hard shit but it’s temporary. You are still that bitch, and soon this will be a distant memory that allowed you to grow. I am not saying that this process will be easy, but you are capable of getting through it and you owe it to yourself to be there for yourself. Take the time after a breakup to try new forms of healing like going dancing, yoga, church, working out, meet new people, therapy or whatever healthy form you have available to you. Use this time to fall deeply in love with yourself again, flaws and all because your mental wellness is daily work and some days will be harder than the day before, but each day is a new day to pick you.
Cover photo: pixabay.com.