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Love Walter: What It’s Really Like to Have a Threesome

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Dear Walter,

 

I’m a thirty-something gay man living in New York City. Lately, I have been experimenting with my sexuality. I never had a threesome but I really want to try it. What advice would you give me on having my first threesome?

 

—Thirsty for a Threesome


Dear Thirsty for a Threesome,

 

Threesomes are awkward. Imagine being bent over while hungover with all openings stuffed like a turkey well before Thanksgiving. To get in the spirit I drank before noon. Douching and dancing to Madonna as the remnants oozed down my thighs, causing me to slip on my own shit. I ran 10 minutes behind for my first threesome. And like a virgin in the age of the internet — I chose to christen it on Grindr.

“You wanna creep,” he said.

“What does that mean?”

“Let’s go somewhere and sneak.”

Was he suggesting we have sex in the woods? A “straight” Black guy looking to have fun for the first time — I wanted a sample. During our exchange, he found a spot on Capitol Hill for us to get it on like Marvin Gaye. And another person to join our party.

“You like White guys?”

“It’s an acquired taste, like beer.”

One shot and shuttle bus ride later, I met them at the door. A White guy answered shirtless in the smallest underwear I’ve seen on a man. Jim was not the main attraction.

“Where is Tony?” I asked.

“He’s 10 minutes behind. But, you’re going enjoy him,” he said. “He’s a great top.”

“Oh, I thought he was straight.”

We both laughed. He finally emerged in basketball shorts. We gathered in the bedroom. I looked around for clues on what to do next.

“Take off your clothes,” Tony said while laying in the center of the bed. That White queen pushed passed me to suck it. I slid down my skinny jeans while I waited. I joined the fray and started sucking it too, exchanging more spit than I cared to.

“Start sucking him off,” he said.

“The only white meat I do is from Popeyes.”

The White guy laughed, as I sucked on his nipples.

“Who’s first?” Tony asked.

Jim looked at me and offered me to take the first ride.

“Honey, you can go first. I need to warm up.”

Jim plopped himself on Tony and gyrated his hips. He vibrated his frail body side to side like Ariana Grande. This was the moment where I needed to grab a sip a water and find an outlet for my phone.

I considered what happened and wondered if I could go through with it. This was still happening. I came all this way via bus, I expected to cum. Now It’s my turn.

“How do you like it?” I asked.

“However you want it?” Tony said.

I laid on my side and jiggled my body like a gypsy. Jim sucked Tony’s nipples. I wanted to push that bitch out the way. I needed a break because my side cramped up.

Tony has another request. I don’t know who made him the porn director.

“I want to fuck you, Jim, while you fuck him.”

“What in the porno!” I said.

Poor Jim couldn’t get it up. So I pretended he was inside. I was ready for this to be over. Call me crazy I like to star in my threesomes. Playing musical chairs with one penis left me with two left feet.

Jim worked hard bent over, making me look bad with all that bouncing back and forth.

“I’m tired,” Tony says as he pulled out.

Jim sprung a leak and fled to the bathroom to clean up. “Yeah man, I worked all night and got off at 6 AM”

“Then, why would you schedule a threesome?”

He shrugged his shoulders, put his shorts back on, and headed straight for the door.

And like that, it was over. That was my first and last threesome. I believe trying new things will expand your sexual palate. How do you know if you like or dislike something if you never tried it?

Threesomes tend to work better when emotions aren’t running as high. Ironically, it is better when strangers are involved. If it sucks you don’t have to call them back or see them again. No ending of friendships or relationships if things get weird.

But if your partner wants to do a threesome at the beginning of your relationship. Run. A threesome will change your relationship. It’s one dangerous, slippery slope. And you never want your man hooking up with the third-party while you’re at work.

So if you must do a threesome to quench your sexual thirst, find someone new. Use protection, have fun, and report back.

 

Love,

Walter


Make sure to also checkout previous Love Walter columns here

Got a question? Email your letters at [email protected] His advice column will appear on Wednesday.

Walter Reed

Walter Reed is writer and advice columnist on love, lust, and life. Romance is his day job. Read more at LoveWalter.com. Follow him on Twitter @ LoveWalterHQ

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