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Love Walter: No Sex and the City

Dear Walter,

There is this guy I have been talking to online, and I’m wondering where this is going. We hung out a couple of times. Both times at night and at his place. And nothing, it’s like there’s no sexual chemistry. He never made a move and I was too scared too. I felt rejected. Has this ever happened to you?

—Online Dater


Dear Online Dater, 

At 2 a.m. a rendezvous lead to an inevitable walk of shame. While watching Sex and the City:  The Movie, I decided to perform my own scene with Shawn. We talked on Grindr for weeks.

Three glasses of Prosecco and a shower later, I arrived at his house. He towered over me as he hugged me at the entrance of his apartment. His body anchored me like a full-size mattress, thick and plushy.

We settled on an Eddie Murphy movie. I engaged in a distraction until I found Mr. Right. This motherfucker was three months late, punctuating the winter with disappointment. 

He comforted me more than the comforter I was underneath. Unfortunately, he fell asleep while I laid there restlessly. Why the sudden craven?

I reached over and grabbed his penis. He rolled over in the opposite direction. I felt a tinge of regret. Was I a slut? Wanting sex in the middle of the night didn’t make me a whore, right?

“I can’t. My back hurts.”

“Hmm, need me to rub it?”

“Nah, I’m good. I just need to sleep.”

His bad back killed the romance. 

The next morning he woke up to pee and smoke a cigarette. Cigarettes during cereal hour ruined the prospect of good a morning kiss.  

“I have to get up and run some errands before work,” he said. “I feel bad putting you out.”

I needed to learn how to read a room.

I grabbed my shit at the speed of a sample sale. He reached over and gave me a hug. I needed something stronger than a fucking hug. 

I should have never gone there. Shawn was neither the one nor a one night stand. And there was nothing sexy about it.

And maybe he just wasn’t that into me, like that guy isn’t into you. But who cares? There will be another and another. He is out there somewhere whether it’s the one or the one right now. 

Love

Walter


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