Love Walter: His House Was Not a Home

Love Walter

Dear Walter, 

I’m a gay male who is good looking with a good paying job. But online dating is tough. It seems that every time I turn around so many people are having so much luck finding a man. Have you had bad experience online? I can’t be the only one.

—Online and Alone

Dear Online and Alone,

Oh honey, I dug through more bullshit online than I care to admit. Where should I start?

I met a chemist for the federal government on Jack’d. He checked all my boxes:  a house, two cars, and two jobs. He was the type of man you could bring home to your mother. Trying to seduce me with unfurnished rooms felt like being on House Hunters. He couldn’t even offer me a bottle of water.

Yet, he expected me to suck his dick. I may not be that innocent. But, I’m not that naive. Some men seduced with dinner and a movie while others chose vacant rooms and broken promises.  

Then there was that time, he fucked me like a stranger because he was a stranger. I met him Sunday for sex. He ripped my clothes off and pushed me on the bed. He jammed his dick inside of me like he busted in front of the line. Rough sex can be fun—this was not. 

I was sore for three days. 

My body is my personal temple where scars, moles and stretch marks marked my existence. I’m the gatekeeper of my treasure chest. I can’t have any motherfucker disrespecting me. Paying for my Uber doesn’t grant access to fuck me like a tranny on a towel. 

I learned that insecure men will project all sorts of bullshit on you. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than a person.  

Fuck him! 

Oh and then there was that one time I was “dating” the phone sex operator. I developed a relationship with a man I hadn’t met yet. The most imaginative orgasms captured via camera and by voice—it was fun. But Brian’s voice over the phone couldn’t keep me warm at night. Promises he couldn’t keep were like gifts he repeated. I learned that he was content. I gave him everything he wanted without considering my needs. What did I want in a fulfilling relationship?

He offered support and sentimentality. I really liked him. But I knew he wasn’t there. It was like I imagined a relationship. So, I let him go. 

He said he loved me. But he’s never even met me.

I reflected on these lessons to lessen the pain. What I seek in a relationship had nothing to do with these experiences. I really wanted a better relationship with myself. Giving unconditional love to me restored hope for a healthy relationship. There will still be mistakes, failed relationships, and awkward sexual experiences. But there will be successes as well. I don’t know if I ever get married. But what I have you can’t find online. 



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