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Love Walter / To Douche, Or Not To Douche, That Is The Question

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Dear Walter,

I’m more of a top but lately I’m having these urges to bottom for my boyfriend. I’m nervous because I heard it hurts. Any advice on doucheing? Should I even worry about it?

—Like a Virgin


Dear Like a Virgin,

Shitting on dicks can kill romance real quick. We call it painting. When balancing a regime of dining and drinking — it’s not surprising that a douche is in order if you’re expected to get down back there.

 

I have a confession to make. I haven’t been doing it lately. Doing in the butt can leave his dick shitty boots. In my late teens, my boyfriend once said, “I actually like a little boo-boo. It feels good. It’s lubrication.”

 

Well, the pressure was off. The frothy mixture of lube, shit, and a condom felt like a warm dick coated in chocolate syrup wrapped in Saran Wrap. Why am I suddenly feeling black balled?

 

He fucked me on his bed doggy style as I faced the mirror like something from The Lion King. Instead of singing “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King,” I mouthed I just can’t wait for this to end. Oh yes, it hurt. After he stopped, he wiped my ass with a sock.

 

“That better be clean,” I said while arching my back. Sweat, lube and booty juice glided down my thighs. I swung my black dreads back like I was ready to roar.

 

“See, baby it’s no big deal,” he kissed me on my ass cheek and reached in to kiss my lips. I turned my head away. I didn’t want to kiss my own ass. I was young then — a junior cunt starter bitch.

 

We got dressed and went to the movies. I couldn’t believe he wanted to start our date with this humiliating sex scene. I forgot what we saw but I sat a seat apart from him and he got mad at me. After the previews, he demanded me to sit next to him. These were clandestine times, where homosexuals dated like a secret hidden in plain sight. In the dark theater, we held hands.

 

I used to improperly douche with a plastic water bottle. I would squeeze it up my butt with all my strength. And nothing happened. It culminated in me nearly slipping on my own shit. Another proud moment.

 

I learned that with a proper diet, depending on the man’s size, you don’t need to douche every time you want to do anal. Shitting before sex works too. So does drinking lots of water and eating salads.

 

A balanced bottom can go all night.

 

Some men are kinky. I don’t know if shit makes the best lube but he’s the only guy that liked it.

 

Once, I shitted on this one dude I met off Jack’d. I douched before hand. But I must have had a case of diarrhea that I thought would pass.

 

I was bent over on a black futon in Brooklyn. I know, so hood. He shoved his condom-clad dick in and it splattered all over his front.

 

“Nigga, you just shitted on me.”

 

“Oh, shit I’m sorry.”

 

No pun intended. How embarrassing? I’ve never been more mortified. I slid off the futon and handed him a white towel.

 

“Did you want to go again? I can rinse my ass.”

 

“Nah, I’m good.”

 

And just like that, he left.

 

Oh well, I took a shower and relaxed with a glass of wine.

 

If you got bubble guts then you shouldn’t be getting fucked in the butt. Save yourself the embarrassment and get some Fleet from your local CVS. Pour out the liquid and replace with lukewarm water. Squirt it up your butt while squatting over the toilet. Rinse and repeat until the remnants are gone.

 

Bottoms Up.

 

Love,

Walter


Make sure to also checkout previous Love Walter columns here

Got a question? Email your letters at [email protected] His advice column will appear on Wednesday.

Walter Reed

Walter Reed is writer and advice columnist on love, lust, and life. Romance is his day job. Read more at LoveWalter.com. Follow him on Twitter @ LoveWalterHQ

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