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Love Walter:  Cupid Don’t Love Me Like He Used To Do

Love Walter
Dear Walter,

What is it like being a dating advice columnist?

—Aspiring Advice Columnist


Dear Aspiring Advice Columnist, 

I’ll tell you in 5 ways what’s it’s like to walk in my Jimmy Choo shoes.

 

1. Some tit for so much tat. 

People feel comfortable swapping sex stories like ghost stories. I’m not the type to sit around all day talking about how much dick I’ve sucked. Unless it’s on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Weekends, and Holidays.

I enjoy writing about sex to get a better understanding of my own sexual experiences. So cathartic—that it precipitated a spiritual and emotional journey. It culminated to discovering what I want from sex. And what I don’t.

Those raw and relentless moments inspired others to send their stories. It comes with the territory. Some stories are sexy and some maybe a little sad. But either way, you have my support.

2. People will send you nude photos and videos. 

Keeping one’s private parts private is a foreign concept in today’s social media driven environment. One man thinks his dick can save lives. While another considers his ass as the greatest thing since sliced bread. But one thing is clear, it’s not likely that they will stop showing it off. I’ve seen plenty. So come one, come all.

3. Prepared to get hit on. 

Even on a bloated day, you’re likely to run into someone who wants to get it on anytime, anyplace. It is certainly good for the self-esteem. No wine required. Even when you’re feeling low and getting lower.

I still won’t visit you in Tennessee, nor give you a green card. But bring your best game. Let’s have a lovely internet affair.

4. Dick pic requests are trending.

I have more bottoms hitting me up trying to take a peek of my penis, like the price of admission comes in the form of a friend request.

Welcome to the wild, wild web where anything goes is no longer a concept featured in porn. I’m still not going to show it off, but I’ll describe it to you:  think eggplant.

You’re either getting grabbed by the pussy or pulled by the dick. Social media sites shouldn’t double as dating apps. But multitasking is no longer multifaceted. So keep asking.

5. Words will hurt. Especially your own.

I believe in offering and fostering a safe space for gay men to talk about sex, dating, and relationships.

What’s done in the dark will come to light, especially when you write about it. Even when you’re having sex in the laundry room to the cell phone light. I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve done. So, I’ll spread my legs like Bethenny did on The Real Housewives of New York. Tell me everything you think. I’ll even take it anonymously, like in a hotel room with a guy from Craigslist.

Currently taking your hate mail in my inbox. Feel free to send in your comments, complaints, and compliments, so everyone else can know what you really think.

Love, 

Walter


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