I’ve been in a relationship for about 10 years. I have insecurities and trust issues.
A few years back we discussed marriage and I felt that counseling would be a good idea to, kind of, prepare. He didn’t think it was necessary and for some reason, the topic of secrets came up: Whether we had any secrets the other didn’t know about.
You know, forget all that…or maybe let me switch directions.
My main issue is that my partner doesn’t allow me to touch him. Like in the sense of rubbing on him or even foreplay. When we are about to have sex he somehow lets me know he is in the mood and we get right to it.
While I enjoy the spontaneity, sometimes I feel like a fuck. I’ve addressed this issue in the past but nothing changed.
How should I approach him about more foreplay without turning him off? Or what if there’s a deeper issue as to why he doesn’t like being touched?
Dear Feeling Untouched,
First, let’s discuss why foreplay is important. Foreplay helps to maintain intimacy, which is important in a relationship as long as yours. It also enhances the sexual experience, leading to better orgasms. So you need it!
I too felt untouched. Usually, the culprits were down low men. From married men, to masculine morons experimenting with gay sex — leading double lives that binged on secrets and lies, seemed to absolved them from ever being touched or embracing the subtleties of foreplay. Kissing and nipple play went out the window in favor of just shoving their dicks in any orifice in the vicinity. Oh, the obscenity of shallow sex.
I dated one guy who used to come to my apartment and “hang out.” He identified as straight. He was an “uber-masculine” obelisk who may have done a stint in jail. He loved sleeping in my bed. Whenever we were outside of my bed, he would hit on girls. And would define our relationship with anyone who would listen.
“This is my homeboy,” he said. “He’s gay, but I’m not.”
After the song and dance were done. He would come home with me, begging me to blow him. Once, while sucking his dick I caressed his ass. He slapped my hands immediately. I haven’t had my hands slapped since I was in Catholic school, which explains why I’m writing a sex column.
He tapped me while I was sleeping.
“Walter, you up?”
“Yeah, I am now.”
“I love you.”
“Oh, Lord aren’t you straight?”
“Stop playin’ with me,” he said. “I love you.”
“Fine, I love you too.”
He squeezed me that night and never let go. And just like that, all the girls and outside opinions didn’t matter.
But it was weird that he never let me see him naked outside of when he whipped his penis out. He perpetually slept in basketball shorts and oversized tee shirts. He told me stories about all the girls he dreamed of someday fucking. It didn’t bother me initially. I guess it turned me on to have this “homeboy” in my bed. It was like he needed to detach from me sexually to maintain a “straight” persona. As if me holding on to his ass while I suck his dick would emasculate him.
Once, I walked past the bathroom when he was getting out the shower. His six-pack glistened with gunshot wounds and tattoos. His body was a road map to his past — not quite a wonderland or quite wonderful either. But my wanderlust kept me wondering.
After a while, the tales of his conquests annoyed me. And being restricted from touching him created a barrier between us. Granted, it’s his body, and he’s allowed to use it as he pleases. But if he wanted me to continue sucking his dick I needed more access.
He became possessive and aggressive — the maladies that mark every Lifetime movie. So I had let him go like Rihanna.
A couple of years later, I ran into him at a D.C. dive bar on Valentine’s Day. The universe had a sick sense of humor since stupid cupid’s arrow struck him that night.
“Come here,” he said while creeping towards me in an oversized white tee shirt and a grey overcoat.
“What is it?” I said without moving.
Something within me didn’t quite trust him.
“I need to tell you something,” he said.
I tried to walk away like Kelly Clarkson but he had other plans like Bill Cosby. My heart dropped to my stomach. He pinned me up against the cigarette machine.
“I love you, Walter,” he said.
I felt like he punched me in the gut. I didn’t think what we had culminated to was love. And I didn’t love how he treated me. And I didn’t love how I felt when he rejected me.
Security approached us and told him to let me go.
After that night, I never saw him again. There is nothing scarier than an unhinged ex on the loose. I didn’t want him to OJ me on a summer afternoon.
But sex is the barometer of a relationship. Foreplay and intimacy are huge parts too. When those two elements are missing from the session, then it feels hollow and impersonal. And if the thrill is gone, I’m usually next.
Yet, when you’re in an exclusive relationship, you’re obligated to fulfill each other’s sexual needs. Or someone may cheat. If my partner treats sex like a chore, then that turns me into a whore.
Why doesn’t your partner like to be touched? Has this always been the case? Are you guys still attracted to each other? Will your heart still go on even if he never changes?
Ask yourself these questions and report back.
In the beginning, I felt there were fewer restrictions but I don’t ever really remember us engaging in foreplay.
I own my responsibility. Initially, we would do different positions and have some variety. But then there came moments when I wouldn’t be in the mood for sex. Sex became a chore for me due to my insecurities about what I can do sexually.
And over time I think that caused him to become less engaged. But as for me touching him, I think that’s always been that way.
When I touch him he always says he is ticklish or something but I don’t believe that.
Dear Feeling Untouched,
I’m glad to hear from you again. 10 years is a long time to be looking for a change. How we show our love is connected through childhood. Our imperfect parents are the models and key to all of our failed relationships. Depressing right?
One way to identify how to love and how to receive love is through this book called, The 5 Love Languages. This New York Times Bestseller by Gary Chapman, changed my perspective on how to manage relationships.
I’m going to briefly break down the 5 Love Languages:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
Words of Affirmations
Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” I take my compliments like a vitamin — once a day. I have an aversion to giving head. But if my boyfriend is like, “I love the way you go down on me,” I may kneel longer than a commercial break.
According to Gary Chapman, “By ‘quality time’ I mean giving someone your undivided attend.” Having sex doesn’t constitute spending quality time together. Two lovers gazing at each other (and not the tv) on the sofa counts.
“Gifts are visual symbols of love,” wrote Chapman. I’m not saying she’s a gold digger like Kanye West. But considering who he married — I digress. Some give more than they have. While some take more than they should. I don’t need you to give me gifts to show your love. But it helps and I prefer jewelry. There is one caveat: you have to transform your thinking about money. There is nothing more ineffective than a broke sugar daddy.
Acts of Service
Chapman wrote, “By acts of service, I mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do.” That’s expressing your love by doing things for your partner. I had a lover who enjoyed cooking, cleaning, and catering to me. Since I know he communicates his love through acts of service, I did things for him to make him feel special.
Let’s get physical like Olivia Newton-John. From holding hands to huge hugs, there is nothing quite like a warm embrace. Oh yes, sex would be included in this portion of the program. It’s my favorite part of the process. Don’t be afraid to touch, suck, finger, jerk, pull, poke, kiss, fist, spoon, hug, and massage your partner.
Learning each other’s Love Language will improve your relationship. I’m rooting for you both.
Make sure to also checkout previous Love Walter columns here
Got a question? Email your letters at [email protected] His advice column will appear on Wednesday.