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Love Walter: Having Sex on a Holiday Doesn’t Make it Special

Love Walter

Dear Walter,

I’m a 27-year-old gay guy. I recently met someone. We’ve had sex. Should I start a relationship over a holiday weekend or should I drag out being single?

 

—Holiday Hookup


Dear Holiday Hookup,

 

An instant relationship is like a cup of noodles. It’s hot for 30 seconds. But, if you think your courtship is built to last like a Chevy. Why not stuff yourself and each other with hot dogs?

 

Let’s strive to be the people we always talked about being. Let’s invest more than our body. And the old adage is true, if you have sex too soon, usually the “relationship” is all about sex. If you can’t get enough of this pre-summer holiday hookup then have fun. But beware, this will be over before fall.

 

Don’t let your bad romance evolve into a Trump nightmare.

 

Love,

Walter


Resuscitating a Sexual Relationship with an Ex:

 

Dear Walter,

I’m a single gay man and my ex-boyfriend wants to hook up is that a good idea?

 

—The Ex and the Ecstasy


Dear The Ex and the Ecstasy,

This is something I tried twice and failed. Making the same mistake twofold left relationship scars.

 

The first time, his grandmother threatened to call the cops on me because I dated her grandson. It culminated in her calling me a gigolo. The next time we got back together he pushed me out of a cab into the slushy streets of New York City. And this was supposed to be my Mr. Big?

 

The second relationship I resuscitated had me moving to Colorado. We crammed three years into three weeks. And we haven’t even had sex yet. I tried the second time around, we had sex but I discovered his drug problem.

 

Your guy is an ex for a reason. While you’re hooking up with him—You’ll be missing out on someone new. Just because you slept with him doesn’t mean you’ll get back together.

 

You just got fucked without him buying you dinner first.

 

Love,

Walter


Getting Fucked for the First Time:

 

Dear Walter,

I’m a 34-year-old top dating a verse. Should I become verse to keep my man happy?

 

—Total Top


Dear Total Top,

No one likes a selfish lover. As a bottom, my guy wanted me to lick his butt. Mind you that was not something I enjoyed doing. I laughed as this “manly man” wagged his ass in the air like a gay flag. It was like glitter in the air. I learned that I don’t like eating ass. And that I won’t be eating ass.

 

You don’t like to get poked? Yes, it’s going to hurt but then you’re going to feel like a woman. Can your ego handle that?

 

If not? Find someone new. But if you love him: lie there and take it.

 

Don’t forget to douche.

 

Love,

Walter


Make sure to also checkout previous Love Walter columns here

Got a question? Email your letters at [email protected] His advice column will appear on Wednesday.

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