I’m a Certified LGBT Life Coach. That means the abundance of STORIES I hear about sh*tty childhoods from my clients are constant. I hear these stories daily. I have related to them on a regular basis too. I’ve heard myself telling similar stories.
But, the day I realized that a sh*tty childhood didn’t give me an automatic pass to being a sh*tty adult was life changing. The day I realized the story I was telling gave way to a plethora of excuses about WHY I did the things I was doing or how I treated people or how I showed up in friendships or how I dealt with conflict…………THAT DAY!
That day was EVERYTHING.
I specifically remember my wife having a talk with me that basically led me to conclude that the love I was STILL looking for from people (specifically, my parents and other family members) probably would never come on the level that I wanted it and it was time to accept that fact once and for all so I could release the FANTASY of something that maybe just wasn’t written into my story.
She pointed out some ‘Captain Obvious’ things like…..”the past can’t be changed”, “maybe they are showing you love the only way they know how”, “what if you never get the type of love you are seeking from them; will you allow your life to be affected on this level forever?” — those things stood out to me because a lot of what she was saying, of course I already knew.
Hello! I’m a life coach, I’ve been to therapy, I’ve done my forgiveness work…..I know this!
But, apparently…not so much accepting my fate of “let it be what it IS and not what you want it to be.” Because, my story was still creating a path for me to show up in a particular way. A way that still allowed me to use my story as an excuse for poor behavior and choices. That is, until I made the decision to STOP using my story as a crutch. When will YOU stop?
Think about it…. how many times have you used YOUR story to justify your behavior? How many times have you rehashed over a bottle of wine with a group of friends how f*ked up your childhood was and how you know that’s why you are the way you are today?
Our past has shaped us for sure.
The real question is — how long are you going to allow YOUR story to hold you hostage?
At what point is your sh*tty childhood going to be a thing of the past FINALLY so you can give yourself a fair shot at NOT being a sh*tty adult, a sh*tty friend, a sh*tty partner, a sh*tty co-worker, a sh*tty business partner? At what point do you take some responsibility for your actions NOW?
The most enlightening thing that can happen in your life is allowing yourself to ACCEPT and SURRENDER.
Accept that it happened and may have been unfair.
Surrender to the fact that it can’t be changed.
Then most importantly, move the hell on! I say that with the utmost respect for the process. For each person, it requires something different. But, the point is you must start somewhere.
So, NO a sh*tty childhood does NOT give you a pass to be a sh*tty adult. It never did.
If you can recognize that your past shaped you, you have the ability to do something about how you show up presently. It will take healing. It will take patience. It will take work. No doubt. So, when will you start? If not now, when?
If you choose not to, please know that it’s only a matter of time before no one wants to entertain that story anymore or be around you, it’s a broken record and just an excuse. Help is available if you want to be different once and for all. Once and for all, choose YOU.